Every end is a new beginning.

"Pursue excellence. Ignore success."

The right combination of words can snap you out of the deepest ruts almost instantly. A light shines on the darkness you were lost in. I have these experiences frequently. I have had it with the quarter-life crisis project recently.

As you may have noticed my friends, the blog has been rather quiet lately. I have placed it deliberately on the sidelines, quietly contemplating what to do with it for some time. The quarter-life crisis project was created in the midst of freedom, uncertainty, and a search for direction. That search continues. But the exact parameters of the project, initially laid out as a predetermined year-long plan, no longer fit the circumstances I now find myself in. To carry on with it as it is would be to pursue success, stubbornly trying to prove that I can do what I set out to do, just for the sake of proving something. But who would that benefit?

To pursue excellence, on the other hand, is to admit that things have changed, and to allow the blog to change in response to that. I will be forever grateful to the original project for giving me a sense of purpose when I so needed it, for teaching me that I am capable of changing my lifestyle, for giving me the motivation to push my own limits. But yes, things have changed, and I want to stay honest on here so that we're still riding the wave together.

So many of the things I'm going through now are things that, I think, we all go through. My job has plopped me in the middle of a whirlwind of challenges that are pushing my limits every single day, both as a working girl and as a person. An endless succession of successes, failures, uncertainties, revelations, days of unstoppable confidence, and days of total insecurity. Navigating a position that demands self-direction. Craving peer support as I spend the majority of my days working in solitude, no team or coworkers in sight. Grappling with a work-life balance (or lack thereof...). Trying to establish my profession in a field that has zero awareness of it, and trying to solidify my own place in that field in the process. Trying to make sure the work that I'm doing has real-world value. And all the while, trying to keep my life values, goals and priorities in view. Whew. It's exciting, and terrifying, and awesome, and overwhelming, and crazy in both good and bad ways. Some days I love it, and some days I want to relinquish all control to some higher power who will just darn well tell me what to do and when to do it. Some days I can see the millions of small life lessons that are always there as clear as day... and some days I can't find them for the life of me.

But I'm pretty sure they apply to us all, or most of us, anyway. So let's look together, yeah?

xo Janine

My messy bedroom vs. the environment

Hello all,

So I was cleaning my room yesterday, which at first seemed to have no relevance whatsoever to the green project at hand (but was still 500% necessary...if you saw my room pre-clean, you'd understand!) But then it got me thinking. My room was bad. It was awful, actually. Papers piled to the ceiling. Stuff scattered around that had no business being there, and was simply a product of me being too "busy" to actually clean it up. Full of crap I don't need and never use. And honestly, I barely ever stop to even notice. Things just seem to accumulate. Before I know it, my environment is littered with stuff that covers up the natural simplicity and beauty it could have, if I just took a few extra seconds here and there to take care of it.

I shudder to think how much paper I use
in a month...probably at least this much.

And then I realized that my room is a microcausm of what happens on our planet.

Small, tiny destructive things we do that we think couldn't possibly matter at the time in the grand scheme of things...they slowly add up. A bunch of paper wasted on a printed rough copy....a plastic bottle of water bought... an article of clothing purchased that's not needed...and before you know it, you've got this big mess on your hands and you're going "how the hell did this happen?!" That's kind of the point we've reached as a species. We are me standing in the middle of my room, finally starting to notice how many unnecessary things there are around, how much pollution there is, and how beautiful it could be if we were just a little bit more mindful of the little things. Mindful of consumption. Mindful of our planet as being chalk-full of incredible, but limited, resources. I don't know about you, but to me stuff sometimes seems endless in our society...we're so far removed from the source of where things come from that they might as well just be magically appearing out of nothing. But it's crazy, and a bit scary, to think that actually...they're not. We're using up things that can and will run out one day, at the rate we're going. Wow. Imagine what that would look like. I don't even think I can...or want to, honestly. Mental pictures of a cold steel future, like something out of a sci-fi movie, are flashing through my mind.

Okay...my green goal this week is to try to be more mindful of the little things.

xo Janine

Sparkling Ginger

Well friends, I was unexpectedly thrown off my game here for a couple of weeks as our family lost our beloved canine member, Ginger. She was such a sweetheart and a wonderful presence in our house (as those who knew her would know), and it's been quite a shock to the system to no longer have her around, providing endless unconditional love, support and friendship to us all on a daily basis. But they say "don't cry because its over, smile because it happened", and when I think about it I guess that's the right attitude to take, because it's only our inability to acknowledge death as a necessary part of life that makes these moments so hard to bear. Maybe if we really face the fact that nothing lasts forever, we'll enjoy things more while they're here and not feel quite so angry and bitter when they inevitably disappear.

Anyway, as a memorial to my favourite little friend for over 10 years, I did what I always do when things come to an end...wrote her a poem. Here's to you, Gingy. Living Green blog will resume next week.

Ginger
2002-2012

"SPARKLING GINGER"

It was a special day in April, in the year 2002

When the Farragher family first laid our eyes on you

It was true love at first sight, I think we’d all agree

The little smudge upon your face suited us perfectly

And so began the story of your life at 52

We took you home, and showed you around, and named you Ginger, too

And from that day on, you became the dog we knew

With so many things about you that made you so uniquely you

You were a cavalier with personality to spare

And a happy little face framed by flowing Ginger hair

You’d greet us every morning with an unabashed delight 

And cuddle up to watch TV beside us every night

You loved to walk on through the park and greet the passers-by

(Though you preferred the human breed to your fellow canines)

You’d set out with excitement and energetic glee

But by the final hill you’d always pant exhaustedly

You understood our language, and made sure we knew yours

You knew that “bed”, “cookie” and “walk” were all things you adored

And when you wanted dinner, or a late-night snack or two

You stomped and sniffed emphatically ‘til we gave into you

A lover of life’s yummiest culinary delights

You’d stare at us intently when we ate our snacks at night

Pizza, peanut butter, and McDonald’s French fries, too

You had a way of knowing when they were on our menu

On days of celebration, you could never quite hold back

(Self-restraint was a quality you sort of seemed to lack)

You’d dive into the presents, whether they were yours or not

And gleefully pull out the tissue paper, while we laughed ourselves in knots

Yes, you had a special innocence and sweetness about you

Everyone that walked through the door was a best friend to you

You’d greet them with enthusiastic curiousity

And make them feel like they were meant to join the family

But to our family of four, you were loyal through and through

Your touching dedication was so clear with every move

The first to greet us at the door, the last to say goodbye

So full of love and gentleness, with such a zest for life

And now we’ve watched you peacefully drift away to sleep

And for all the memories we’ve shared, our hearts longingly weep

But we thank you for those ten good years of joy, laughter and love

And know you’re resting peacefully on an angel’s lap above

xo Janine

Sparkling Ginger

Well friends, I was unexpectedly thrown off my game here for a couple of weeks as our family lost our beloved canine member, Ginger. She was such a sweetheart and a wonderful presence in our house (as those who knew her would know), and it's been quite a shock to the system to no longer have her around, providing endless unconditional love, support and friendship to us all on a daily basis. But they say "don't cry because its over, smile because it happened", and when I think about it I guess that's the right attitude to take, because it's only our inability to acknowledge death as a necessary part of life that makes these moments so hard to bear. Maybe if we really face the fact that nothing lasts forever, we'll enjoy things more while they're here and not feel quite so angry and bitter when they inevitably disappear.

Anyway, as a memorial to my favourite little friend for over 10 years, I did what I always do when things come to an end...wrote her a poem. Here's to you, Gingy. Living Green blog will resume next week.

Ginger
2002-2012

"SPARKLING GINGER"

It was a special day in April, in the year 2002

When the Farragher family first laid our eyes on you

It was true love at first sight, I think we’d all agree

The little smudge upon your face suited us perfectly

And so began the story of your life at 52

We took you home, and showed you around, and named you Ginger, too

And from that day on, you became the dog we knew

With so many things about you that made you so uniquely you

You were a cavalier with personality to spare

And a happy little face framed by flowing Ginger hair

You’d greet us every morning with an unabashed delight 

And cuddle up to watch TV beside us every night

You loved to walk on through the park and greet the passers-by

(Though you preferred the human breed to your fellow canines)

You’d set out with excitement and energetic glee

But by the final hill you’d always pant exhaustedly

You understood our language, and made sure we knew yours

You knew that “bed”, “cookie” and “walk” were all things you adored

And when you wanted dinner, or a late-night snack or two

You stomped and sniffed emphatically ‘til we gave into you

A lover of life’s yummiest culinary delights

You’d stare at us intently when we ate our snacks at night

Pizza, peanut butter, and McDonald’s French fries, too

You had a way of knowing when they were on our menu

On days of celebration, you could never quite hold back

(Self-restraint was a quality you sort of seemed to lack)

You’d dive into the presents, whether they were yours or not

And gleefully pull out the tissue paper, while we laughed ourselves in knots

Yes, you had a special innocence and sweetness about you

Everyone that walked through the door was a best friend to you

You’d greet them with enthusiastic curiousity

And make them feel like they were meant to join the family

But to our family of four, you were loyal through and through

Your touching dedication was so clear with every move

The first to greet us at the door, the last to say goodbye

So full of love and gentleness, with such a zest for life

And now we’ve watched you peacefully drift away to sleep

And for all the memories we’ve shared, our hearts longingly weep

But we thank you for those ten good years of joy, laughter and love

And know you’re resting peacefully on an angel’s lap above

xo Janine

My Carbon Footprint is....

Well, I spent the first week of "living green" just consciously trying to turn off any house lights, computers and extraneous unused appliances that have some sort of green light or low hum coming from them. That's all I did, because that's about all I CAN do with what I currently know, which can only mean one thing: it's time to get educated.

I hear environmentally conscious people talking about reducing their carbon footprints all the time, so I decide to start from there. I know the goal is to use less carbon.... (hold your applause, please...) but how exactly to achieve that and what it all means in the grand scheme of things eludes me. So I do what I do to find out the answer to all of life's conundrums: google it.

I click on the most trusty-looking search result that comes up (how can www.carbonfootprint.com be wrong?) The first thing I notice is that they offer a calculator to determine what your carbon footprint is. Score! This will be like the fitness assessment for the living healthy phase... I can use it as an outcome measure! (Sorry...can you tell I work in research?)

So I start to fill out the form. After asking me about where I live and such, the first tab probes for home electricity usage information. Specifically, it asks me how much electricity, natural gas, heating oil, coal, LPG, propane, and wooden pellets are used in my house in the last year. This is problematic for several reasons. First of all, I know so little about it that I barely even know what applies to me. What is LPG? How on earth am I supposed to know how much coal we burned last year? And who knew wooden pellets are actually used as a home energy source? Good god. This tab is hopeless. I'll have to bother the electricity guru in the house (aka my father) for this information later.

I move onto the next tab feeling even more enviro-ignorant, hoping I'll fare a bit better here. Ah, flight information. I can do that! The next one, car mileage, is also fairly easy - aside from learning how to drive last year, I can count on both hands the number of trips I've actually made in the car, so I'll give it a guess and say 500km worth. The next tab doesn't apply (don't ride a motorbike), so I move to the bus and transport one. It proceeds to ask me the number of kilometres I've traveled on the subway or bus in the past year. SERIOUSLY?? Who actually keeps track of this stuff??  Hmmm. I haven't really got the slightest idea, but I decide to assume I go an average of 10km a day...which equates to about 3600/year. *Shrugs* at least it's an answer.

Finally, I move to the last tab: "Secondary". This asks me about lifestyle habits. Nope, not a vegan. No, I don't purposely buy organic or in-season food. I also don't grow all of my own food or purposely buy local. (This is starting to make me feel guilty...) Next it asks me about my fashion and technology purchasing habits. It asks me if I recycle and if I engage in carbon-usage activities (apparently going to the movies, restaurants or bars fall into this category...) It asks me how many cars I own. (YES! I'm good for this one - zero!)

And finally...done! I click calculate (despite knowing the result will be inaccurately low since I skipped that home usage part, which probably accounts for a lot of it).

Regardless, it tells me I use 8.58 tons of carbon per year, and that the average Canadian uses 20. This makes me feel less bad about some of those last questions, although I'm sure my actual total is a lot closer to that average number. Then it tells me that the world target per individual is 2 tons per year. WOW. This means the average Canadian uses 10 TIMES the amount of energy they should. Poor environment! Well, this is certainly going to be an uphill climb. Apparently it's going to take a lot more than just me turning off my VCR at night to save the earth.

Which brings me to what I'll be exploring in my next post: How to reduce a carbon footprint! Stay tuned, friends...

xo Janine

Day 1 of "Living Green" - Bicycles, blue bins and David Suzuki

The first thing I did before I started typing this was turn off the lights in the room. “Ha ha!” I thought to myself rather smugly. How hard can this “living green" thing be?

The second thing I did was try to generate more ways than just “turning off the lights” of becoming environmentally friendly in day to day life. Hmmm. What do environmentally conscious people do? I try to conjure up an image in my head. I see bike riding. I see blue bins. I see David Suzuki. The vision ends there.

All right. Never mind. This is going to be hard.

Truth be told, I must shamefully admit that I’m one of those walking hypocrites when it comes to preserving our Mother Earth. I could preach for days about the need for society to stop ruining our planet, start finding sustainable energy sources, and learn to live in harmony with the natural world…and the next minute you’ll find me walking out of my house with every light, appliance and plug-in-able thing still powered on. I have never truly thought about how to actually reduce my own impact on the environment in practical day-to-day terms – despite believing in the cause, I’ve never actually taken action to do anything about it.

But they say there’s no time like the present for a reason…so for the next 13 weeks, I’ll be looking into learning about and trying out a variety of green-friendly initiatives.

Now, I have learned something from my last rather flat 3-month project. Working 2 jobs and doing this blog requires a good, realistic plan… more structured than I had for the “Living Healthy” project, where I had the luxury of copious amounts of free time to dedicate to grocery shopping, cooking, exercising, and blogging about it all. The “Living Spiritually” segment demonstrated that without a plan, things get away from me pretty quickly. So this time, I’m going to approach it a little differently – one blog every week, each with a slightly different theme or spin on the green living thing. If there’s a reason in particular to do an extra blog or two I most certainly will, but at the minimum there will be a weekly post.

Hang onto your hats, kids (before my windmill of green enthusiasm blows you away! Ha...ha...)...oh, this should get interesting.

xo Janine

Looking Ahead to Living Green

Well friends, this portion of the Quarter Life Crisis Project is slowly coming to a close as I’ll be beginning the next phase on March 6. Thank god, because let’s be honest: it’s pretty well fizzled like a flat can of cola. Perhaps I should have just gone with making this 3-monther the “Living like an Adult” project, because I clearly did NOT factor in the major life adjustment that starting a new full-time job would bring with it. I’ve been totally distracted and grappling with many different challenges and transitions, and quite honestly feeling more tumultuous than zen throughout the whole ungraceful process. So despite still giving it my best shot under the circumstances, I often resorted to robotically doing a one-week blog writing just to keep the thing alive.

Not that I didn’t learn things…oh, I most definitely did. It’s been a very learning-heavy past 3 months, in fact. But the learning that you get from life can’t really be fit into a box and turned into a structured project quite as easily as some other areas of learning can. I can’t say it’s impossible, because images of Julia Roberts in “Eat Pray Love” are popping into my head as I type this… but I think spiritual learning really is best approached as a natural unfolding of things. You learn things in due time. It can’t be forced or planned or executed in the same way that learning about food can. You can cultivate it, sure…but the harder you try and the more externally motivated you are (for example, by a blog), the more your growth is actually impeded. Living spiritually really seems to be about letting go and going with the flow, wherever that takes you. The more expectations you have, the more you’ll suffer.

 

That said, I’m uber excited to shift focus with the next phase, which starts on March 6 – the “Green Living” phase. While I’m a huge supporter of Mother Earth, I proclaim nearly full ignorance when it comes to environmentally friendly lifestyles… so I’m pretty excited at the prospect of learning a thing or two about how to reduce my carbon footprint and become one with nature, so to speak. However, I’m still trying to remain aware of the fact that I AM working two jobs now, and things will not be as easy since time is a very limited resource. Thus, I will try to be better with planning this time, and perhaps consider making the blog posts a bit shorter too.

In the meantime, I hope you’re all doing well out there! Hard to believe it’s been 6 months since I sat here and started pouring over healthy internet recipes for the first time. The journey continues…

xo Janine

Happy Long Weekend!

Well peeps, I wanted to write some kind of blog today to update y'all on the latest, but I'm heading to Ottawa tomorrow and just realized I have 283 things to try to get done in the next three hours. Given that, a well-thought-out blog is sadly not in the cards for tonight. But I do want to say a big "Enjoy! Relax! Revel in the freedom! Go out and do something craaaazy!" to everyone before our lovely February long weekend (...as well as share my big week's news that WE FINALLY GOT OUR FIRST PARTICIPANT...which doesn't mean a lot to anyone on here anyway since I haven't been giving you the lowdown lately, but the sheer time and effort it's taken to get here is cause for shouting it from the rooftops regardless.) Hard work pays off, my friends. This is the lesson of the week for me. (Maybe even the lesson of a lifetime.)

See (or I guess write) ya soon.......

xo Janine

Hello, my name is __________

Ah, labels. They are rarely, if ever, a good thing.

Ironically, my biggest obstacle to living spiritually since I began this portion of the blog is the fact that I gave myself the temporary label of a spiritual seeker for three months. I boxed myself into a particularly identity - which is exactly the opposite of what living spiritually actually involves. I think I thought initially that being vaguely aware of the possibility of that happening would have prevented it from taking over...but noooope. It definitely has impeded the whole purpose of this phase of the project significantly. I've even found myself at times in a weird inner struggle because I'm trying to handle various things that have happened as I think I should as a spiritual person - and it's actually led to less self-acceptance, less wisdom, and less insight. (Hah...life has the weirdest tricks up its sleeve sometimes!) Well, this may be the most important lesson I learn (and hopefully maybe even impart) along this rather strange paradoxical road..and if so, hey, I can be at peace with that.

So where will I go from here, with three weeks left in the spiritual living phase? Good question. Maybe I could try not to think of myself as a person who's trying to be spiritual anymore. Maybe I could try to remind myself how being spiritual involves not intentionally trying to be spiritual. Maybe I could try to release myself from the spiritual identity by doing things that are not typically thought of as being very spiritual (ooh, kinda like that idea...)

But perhaps the best idea of all, is just to let myself be.

;-)

xo Janine

Mindfulness Meditation

Sit cross-legged. Close your eyes. Make sure you feel relaxed. Try as hard as you can to be peaceful. Say “ommmmmmmmm”. Think only thoughts of peace, love and positivity.

Nope…no need to do any of those things during mindfulness meditation.

The stereotypes are usually what trip people up, so best to get them out of the way right off the bat. The truth is, mindfulness meditation isn’t about making anything in particular happen. It’s getting used to allowing whatever is already happening in this moment to happen, without feeling like you have to do something to change it. It’s getting comfortable with right now…which truthfully is the only moment you’ll ever find yourself in. Has anybody ever actually been in the past or the future? We’re always looking to them as places where we can go to find answers, solutions, salvation…but the truth is, you’re always only ever in this moment, and those places called “past” and “future” have never really been seen by anybody. So why put your eggs in those imaginary baskets? Mindfulness meditation is about getting comfortable with what you already have. This one moment, which you always exist in, is already the way it is. The more you deny that, the more you suffer. The more you accept it, the more you are in touch with the truth… and then you come to understand, appreciate and value things. You start to cooperate with life as it is. And your moment-to-moment experience becomes a lot simpler, a lot easier, and a lot less painful.  

Sounds straightforward enough, right? So why do people find it so incredibly hard to meditate?

Let’s think about this for a second. Meditating isn’t actually hard, is it? The whole point of it is to do absolutely nothing. Meditation isn’t even really something you do; it’s simply setting aside time to NOT do. How can doing nothing be hard? It doesn’t demand anything of you whatsoever; it might be the only thing in the world that doesn’t. So shouldn’t it be the easiest thing in the world, really?

Well, now imagine that you didn’t have a mind. You didn’t have a voice inside your head running your life all the time. Meditation, or just being and not doing, would be the easiest and most natural thing in the world then, wouldn’t it? Aha - so the trouble with meditation lies in your mind. The truth is, it’s your mind that’s always telling you that there’s something you have to do. That you have to DO something in order to BE something. And the real trouble comes from the fact that you tend to believe whatever your mind says, no matter how blatantly wrong it is. Your mind tells you nobody’s going to like you at the party tonight, that it'll be a disaster? You believe it…your body reacts as though you're totally threatened...it goes into fight-or-flight... which makes you believe it even more… and then you don’t go. Yet absolutely none of that was based in reality. It became your reality when you listened to your mind, believed in the initial assumption. How much of your life is like that? Have you ever faced a situation you find so difficult that others find so easy, and just wished you were fearless? Well the truth is, nobody is fearless. It’s how much they believe their fear that makes the difference between relaxed people and anxious people.

Now, imagine sitting down, just you and your mind, and getting used to hearing what it’s saying without believing it. Imagine getting used to feeling the way your body reacts to your incorrect mind, and recognizing that’s all it is – you don’t need to act on it, to fix anything, because there’s actually nothing to solve. So you can relax. Just let it be there. Slowly but surely, your thoughts, your emotions, they lose their power over you. It’s not that you don’t have them anymore; they’re just not a problem anymore. You see clearly that they’re truly baseless, and so you become free to act in a way that aligns with the truth, rather than being a prisoner to your out-of-touch mind and body. You start to see that you can find peace with whatever what you face, having this orientation towards life; because the truth is, nothing that happens in this moment is really a problem. Only your mind interprets it that way, and you have the opportunity to start practicing how to not listen to it. How to let it be.

That opportunity lies in practicing mindfulness meditation…in practicing “not doing”.

For those of you who are interested in giving it a try, I’ve found Jon Kabat-Zinn’s “Wherever You Go, There You Are” to be incredibly well-written, insight-provoking and helpful. Highly recommend it - best guide I've read so far. I also find www.wildmind.org has some helpful information, for those looking to learn more or start now (or start without having to purchase a book ;-)

xo Janine

Dear 20-Year-Old Self...

Searching through old emails yesterday for something, I stumbled upon this opinion piece I wrote 5 years ago (yes, 5 years - I am a world-class email hoarder). Incredible how things can change. I never would have believed it back then. (Although as you can see for yourself, I believed I had all the answers back then...so I left no room for learning or growth.)

Anyway, I decided to write a response to 20-year-old self, sharing the way I've come to understand things now. Thought I would share both with you all - the response and the original writing - below. Scroll down to read the original first if you'd like.
---------------------------

RESPONSE: Dear 20-year-old self…

I remember how incredibly certain you were when you wrote this, that you were right. I remember you secretly scoffing at the limited perspective of all those people around you who “blindly” believed in God, and your arrogant certainty that religion was really no more than a set of old-school myths that people were clinging to, in order to avoid facing “reality” – the “reality” of atheism.

Well, my former self, you’ve had five years full of life experience since then. And I would like to take this moment to point out the many ways in which it was, in fact, your perspective that was limited; your belief that was blind.

First of all, you speak as though prayer could only ever be evaluated by its pragmatic value; you make prayer into an exercise with results or no results, an act of “winning” or “losing” that inevitably has some kind of personal motive behind it.

But someone wise once said that “praying is not about asking…it’s about listening”. Prayer, meditation, or whatever the spiritual practice may be, is not about achieving a goal – it’s about coming to realize that the value of our life is not dependent on achieving goals, or acquiring more things, or gaining status, or having an “advantage” over others. Those things are all transient – they come and then, inevitably, they go, which means they cannot be the essence of who we are. Prayer is realizing that – and then going beyond them, to know deeply the dimension of life which underlies all of those things, which makes all of those transient “things” possible. Some call that dimension “God”, some call it “Life”, some call it “Consciousness” - but a word is just a word, and it’s the meaning behind the word that really matters.

You speak as though it’s possible to deny the existence or the importance of this “Consciousness” or “God”, or whatever you call it, through logical argumentation with words. But your words, your body and mind, the computer you type on, and everything around you is living proof of its existence; and its importance. How can it not be important - it makes possible the existence of every“thing”, and there is no thing without it! Its existence does not depend on your words –it is your words that are made possible by its existence. 

You did however have one thing quite right, 20 year old self (whether you understood its significance at the time or not.) You concluded that “not praying, not going to church or synagogue or temple, not recognizing God as an existing entity - these things will not make or break you.” You are right about that, at least speaking as a human being - because you will be made and then broken no matter what you do in this life. That is the fate of all things, of all forms - we are born, and then we die. Things were never meant to last forever – which seems sad, cruel and tragic when you don’t see the eternal nature of the consciousness, the god that makes all of the things possible, that is behind all things. However, things are just the appearance that this one life, one consciousness, one god, which does last forever, is currently taking – and the cycle of birth and death is not so cruel anymore, once you realize that.

Essentially, the truth is nothing but eternal, infinite existence, and everything that arises and passes away within that existence is just a manifestation of it – made purely for enjoyment, creativity, and beauty, because that is the inherent nature of ‘life’, or ‘god’, or ‘consciousness’.

You only need to look outside your window as the sun rises one morning to know that to be true.
-------------------------------
ORIGINAL PIECE: Whether He exists or not, God is irrelevant.

Many speak of the presence of absence of a belief in God as their most fundamental conviction. However, my own most important question is not “is there or is there not a God”, but “is it relevant to how we go about living our lives?” That is to say, does a belief in God give us some sort of advantage? Is there a point in either strongly believing or not believing in God?

It was the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus who initially questioned the relevance of God using logical argumentation. I find it most helpful to illustrate his point using a thought experiment. Say you take two people, each of whom possesses equally good intentions, on the whole. Person A is religious; she believes in a God and prays regularly. Suppose you get Person A to write down every single prayer that she offers up throughout her entire life, and how many of her prayers are answered. Now, Person B is not religious and does not pray. Say you get Person B to record all of the hopes or wishes that she has throughout her life, and how many of those hopes turn out in her favour. Now, suppose that at the end of each of their lives, you compare their relative success rates. I suspect that you would find them to be about equal, or at least if you averaged out many Person A’s and Person Bs, the averages would be on par with one another.

This has several deep implications. First of all, it means that prayer, in its most pragmatic sense, doesn’t seem to provide one with any actual real-world advantage. The person who believes in God must admit that at least superficially, it appears God does not favour those who pray over those who do not.

Now, the religious person may say that it is in the afterlife that the true benefits are reaped. But to at least some extent, we must go by the evidence that we have from this life, for it is all that we’ve really got to use. And the evidence shows that if there is a God, He appears to play no favourites, or to provide those who pray and believe, with greater rewards than those who do not. So why should we assume that he would do so with regards to the afterlife? All of the evidence we’ve got suggests quite the contrary: that he would not.

Now let’s say that by some chance, this is exactly what he does. He treats everyone equally and gives no indication of favouritism throughout our lives, which is the only state of existence we can be absolutely sure of, but then all of a sudden all of the well-intentioned folks who were non-believers but did their best to do good find themselves at the bottom of the totem pole in an afterlife they did not know existed. Could we honestly claim this God to be fair and just? Let’s say you were taking a class, and you and another student regularly handed in your assignments, but received no marks or feedback from your teacher whatsoever. All of a sudden, on the last day of class, your teacher informs you that you’ve received a 60% and the other student has earned a 90%, and thus the other student wins the subject award. Most would not consider this teacher to be very ‘fair’; he/she did not indicate the ways in which you must improve, or even that you needed to improve at all, until it was too late for you to do so. It would seem to me that much like this teacher, God favouring those who prayed and believed over those who didn’t in the afterlife alone would be a rather tricky, unfair way of handling things.

Now, if you are Christian you are likely going to point out to me that God DID offer up an example to follow, and in fact it was the ultimate example: His son, Jesus Christ. That is based on your own belief in Jesus as the Messiah. But if we ask a Muslim, they will say with equal conviction that God (Allah) gave us the prophet Mohammed as the supreme example to follow. And if we ask a Buddhist, they will tell you something different altogether, in fact, they will echo the crux of my own argument: God is irrelevant to their philosophy, insofar as having or not having a belief in God is not central to their teachings.

The point is that each of these groups make up a very sizeable portion of the world’s population. All of them first and foremost strive to follow the example which they deeply believe to be ‘correct’: Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Siddhartha Gautama. The trouble is that these model beings themselves believed and practiced quite different things from one another. It would be a rather mean trick for God to play: to send us one Messiah and allow it to be open for interpretation whether He is or is not in fact the true Messiah, insofar as a sizeable portion of the world’s population ends up following and modeling some other figure, essentially some imposter. It would be a cruel trick to allow this to happen and then to say that if someone does not happen to end up following the right example, that he/she will be punished, or rewarded less amply, than another who happened to follow the right example. This unfairness is only compounded by the fact that many people are born into a particular religion. If a person is born in Pakistan, the chances of him/her following Jesus over Mohammed are markedly slimmer than if he/she is born in, say, Ireland. And if a person is born in Tibet, the chances of him/her following the Buddha is much greater than Jesus or Mohammed.

So, any religious person must agree that a fair God would not do such a thing: He would not punish someone for circumstances that may lie beyond their control, or else He is not the least bit fair or just at all. Now the good news is that while Jesus, Mohammed, Siddhartha Gautama, Confucious, and all of the other religious leaders have significant differences between them, they all share one fundamental teaching: to do good. The majority of the world’s population may not believe in, say, Jesus as the Messiah, but most of the world’s population DOES believe in doing good; this is a common value that mostly all of us share. So a fair and just God could not possibly punish someone for not believing in Jesus or even in God himself, but only make known this punishment in the afterlife when it is too late to do anything about it. But He could, theoretically, judge people based on the presence or absence of positive intent and good action.

And this, you see, is why belief in God is irrelevant. A belief in God does not practically benefit a person during their life on earth, as we have shown, and it cannot in all fairness provide one with an afterlife advantage either, if we assume that such a thing exists. So not praying, not going to church or synagogue or temple, not recognizing God as an existing entity - these things will not make or break you whether there is a God or not, provided that God is fair (and if He is not, who wants to follow such a God anyway?)

Doing good – this is the bottom line. This is the life philosophy that we should all adopt, regardless of what we believe about God. Because if a fair God does end up existing, He will reward you for this effort, and this effort alone, since it is the only thing that he can fairly judge you on. And if there is no God, it does not matter, because there is a reason why doing good is inherently rewarding. It enriches the lives of those who consider it a priority. It makes life seem more meaningful, more valuable, more worth living. And if there is no God and this life is all we’ve got, why wouldn’t we want to make the absolute best of it?

-Janine Farragher-

Life Happens.

I know I promised my next blog would be about hot yoga. And I know - that was 9 days ago. But this week I'm doomed to be like that boy who promises you he's going to call you in 2 days and then sends you a text message instead, 2 weeks later. (And tells you he's real sorry.)

And sometimes, that's just the way life goes.

"You have to learn that it's okay to let people down sometimes Janine", my insightful best friend gently reminded me one day back in December, as I was being pulled in 10 different directions by 10 different people and could not figure out for the life of me how to keep everybody happy.

....Oh. Well that was an answer I hadn't thought of before. I've always fallen into the habit of expecting myself to be able to do as many things as I commit to, and commit to as many things as are asked of me. But you know, life is pretty complex. And when we make promises, we do so on the premise that we can predict the future - that we know how things are going to unfold, and what life has in store for us. But sometimes, we just don't. Something that happened one way for 100 days in a row happens totally differently all of a sudden. Or we completely never saw x or y coming. Or we thought we would react to z completely differently than we actually did. It just doesn't turn out the way we thought it would.

Then, somehow, we make the mistake of blaming ourselves for it... for the future being unpredictable. Other people even blame us sometimes, and that makes us feel even worse. "You promised!" We feel guilty. But what are we feeling guilty for? For not possessing a reliable crystal ball that would tell us where our lives, our thoughts or our feelings were planning on going? It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that, doesn't it? Let's face it - nothing ever happens exactly the same way twice, so when you're looking into the future and making guarantees, you're doing so on a best guess that is doomed to be wrong, at least on some level.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the mistake we need to try to prevent in the future is not breaking our promises - but making them in the first place.

So, in conclusion, I actually have no idea when I'll blog next, and no idea what it will be about. And truthfully, that's probably one of the most realistic things I've ever said on here.

xo Janine

My computerless existence (sort of)

Well, it’s been exactly two weeks since I stepped boldly out of the old mindless patterns of my computer addiction. Yup, I’ve actually done it (so far). No, I did not have to become the first officially member of Computers Anonymous to make it happen (although…hmm…not a terrible idea!)

Anyway, two small miracles have happened: one, I haven’t become a mindless TV zombie instead (as a few pointed out may happen – lacking in cable TV may be a partial explanation for that), and two, I’ve realized how much FREER life is without it. I feel like one of the people in those Goodlife commercials that’s running around in the grass enjoying the simpler things in life (and asking everyone to open up their eyes, in an unfairly catchy jingle).

So what have I been doing instead? Well, my favourite thing of all is… absolutely nothing. I sit on my living room futon. I gaze at the fireplace and the things on the mantle. I listen to the sounds of the city outside the window. I’m trying to teach myself that you don’t need to be doing something for life to go on. It’s sort of a form of mindfulness meditation, now that I think about it… except I’ve done away with the need to sit on a zafu (meditation cushion),close my eyes and set the timer for 20 minutes, at least for now. This just feels more natural. It ain’t easy. At first you’d rather be doing ANYTHING but nothing. But after a few minutes, your mind settles down. You start to enjoy the quiet. Boredom turns into peace. 

What else? I built a house of cards. I started to study some preliminary Spanish (although yo STILL no hablo espanol). I sat down at my keyboard and fiddled around. I created some very interesting doodle art. It feels a little bit like being a kid pre-1990, before technology took over our lives.

And it’s totally awesome.

Next entry, I’ll share the experience I had last week with trying hot yoga. Emphasis on the word "TRYING". Stay tuned...

xo Janine

My 2012 New Years Bucket List

A new year calls for a new year’s resolution. However, this year I thought to myself, “instead of one resolution, why not have a 2012 bucket list instead?” I don’t know about you but I find this whole monogamous ONE resolution thing limiting, and daunting! That’s a whole lot of pressure to put on one goal. A bunch of things could easily throw you off track, and then bam, that’s it – your one resolution goes out the window. I say better to have a whole bunch – then the likelihood of you experiencing some success is much higher, and if you don’t feel like working on one particular goal at any point in time, well, you can just focus on another one.

For me, this is a year of rediscovering my inner child. I have a habit of putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself to be all things to all people. This year I am to remember to take life less seriously, enjoy each day, and reconnect with the creative, stress-free spirit within.  Have fun with life! J

My 2012 Bucket List

1. Go to the symphony with somebody who’s never been: There is something magical about going to a live symphony. There is also something magical about being there with someone who experiences something magical for the first time.

2. Learn more about money management: I’m about as financially savvy as a four year old. Now that I’m actually earning a salary, it’s due time for me to learn about automatic bill payments, RRSPs, tax free savings accounts and the like.

3. Spend less time on internet communication and more time on real communication: Big one! I feel like the digital age creates an unnecessary emotional distance between us all. We actually communicate more, but don’t feel closer to one another; it actually almost starts to feel like the internet version of a person isn’t connected to the actual person! You lose that feeling of intimacy. I’d like to minimize that and instead have real conversations with the people I care about more.

4. Try at least 3 unexplored restaurants in the city: Trying new food is always a fun adventure… (my recent soiree into Ethiopian food reinforced this idea...)

5. Get lost wandering the streets of Toronto with a friend: Setting out to explore the city without a particular destination in mind might just win as my favourite thing in the whole world to do. Might as well make it a resolution

6. Write a letter to each person in my immediate family describing all the things I admire and appreciate about them: I think this one will be highly mutually beneficial. It will give me the chance to rediscover why I’m so lucky to have the family that I do, and also allow them to be reminded that they are loved and appreciated – which is easy to lose sight of, as we all take each other for granted way too often.

7. Rediscover High Park: Every winter I drive by High Park and think to myself  “man, I should really take advantage of that place more”. Then every summer, I forget. Not this one! (Hopefully).

8. Chart out the map of the world by hand, and chose 5 places I want to see before I die: My knowledge of world geography leaves a lot to be desired. I have a strong urge to release my inner cartographer and just draw out the whole world, which I don’t think I’ve ever done before; what better way to learn where everything is? Then, I can make a more educated decision about the places I would love to see.

9. Start riding my bicycle again: This is the year. I would love to finally dust off my bicycle and release it out into the world again. (This will tie very nicely into my “Living Green” phase of my blog, too!)

10. Learn to speak some Spanish: Yes - I want to ultimately learn to speak Spanish in its entirety. However, I added in the world “some” as a realistic caveat, acknowledging that learning an entire language from start to finish while doing all of these other things and working might be a tad ambitious.

11. Try a new activity/sport/enjoyable form of exercise: My healthy living has not totally gone by the wayside – my diet is still much improved, compared to how it was before. However, I have yet to figure out how to incorporate regular exercise into a full work week schedule. I think the trick may be to find something I really enjoy doing, like a sport or activity, which will motivate me more to keep it up…now I just need to find what that thing is!

12. Do more things I used to do as a child, like painting, that have no purpose other than sheer fun: There is something incredibly freeing about doing something for absolutely no other reason than because you enjoy it. I think it even carries over into other areas of your life that you used to find stressful – once you get back in touch with your inner child, you can start to bring that side of you to almost anything. So I’m going to try to make more time for this!

13. See the quarter-life crisis project to its completion: This has been a fabulous experience so far, and it will be a proud accomplishment next September 6, 2012 to look back at the year’s worth of adventures!

14. Drink more water: I am constantly dehydrated. It seems I’ve inherited my mother’s bad habit to drink just about as much liquid as is necessary to survive, and not a drop more. I think I feel the effects of it more than I’m aware, though. So time to give my body something to celebrate this year too by ingesting a little bit more of nature’s liquid gold.

15. Rediscover the joy of making music for music’s sake: Play show. Produce CD. Advertise. Got so caught up with all that crap in the last few years that I totally lost touch with the beautiful process of just making music for no real reason at all – just for creativity’s sake. Time to put down all of my external motivators and just start exploring music again!

Excited, hopeful and ready for 2012... :-)

xo Janine

Looking Back at 2011

Amazed.

If I had one word to describe how I feel about my 2011, that would be it.

Amazed, because I remember standing in front of my mirror on January 1, 2011, and for some reason that I didn't understand at the time, promising myself that 2011 was going to be one of the best years I'd ever had.

Amazed, because it seemed highly unlikely to me at the time - and yet it turned out to be true.

Yes, there is a backstory to this. It is a story that I am preparing to tell, once I've gathered the right words, the right courage, the right perspective to do so.

For now, let's just celebrate the year. A lot of good happened around the world, despite the fact that most of what comes to mind are sad stories. That's the fault of the media, not an accurate representation of the real balance between good and bad. So tonight, raise a glass. No, your 2011 wasn't perfect. But you did something right, because here you are. You made it through whatever happened.

I wish you all the best things in 2012. And I hope the year comes when you look back and feel incredibly grateful, joyful and amazed that it turned out the way it did.

xo Janine

My first big move

Hmmm. Well admittedly, this section of the blog has been slower to take off than the last. I blame this slow adjustment period on a few things. First of all, starting a new job has distracted me more than I thought it would. Secondly, the holiday season happened to coincide with said first point… where free time becomes a hot commodity to be thinly spread between gift-buying-and-wrapping, house-preparing, loved-one-visiting, and everything in between. 

But actually, I know these are excuses. When it comes right down to it, I should have plenty of free time left over to spend on this project. It’s not like I work 14 hours a day, or spend morning until night decking the halls with boughs of holly. It’s simple math. There IS extra time to be found in there, and lots of it. So where on earth does it go? Good question. Sometimes it’s like you lie in bed in the morning, blink your eyes a few times, and before you know it, you’re back in bed again. What happens in between is kind of a blur, and when you try to look back on it, all you can actually remember is a few moments – the highlights, sort of like a sports reel.

 

However, over the past couple of weeks, I have become increasingly aware of one thing that seems to monopolize more of my time than quite possibly sleeping, eating, and walking combined. No, it’s not spending time with family or friends, or work, or chores, or anything useful like that…shamefully, it’s my computer. It’s like I’m married to it. It’s the first thing I go to when I wake up.  It’s the last thing I interact with before I go to bed. And now that I’m spending my whole day at work on the computer (for now), the amount of time I spend in the evening on the computer has become increasingly more noticeable, and more repugnant. I feel like one of those boat slaves from ancient times who mindlessly rowed to the beat of a drum from morning until night… except there’s no drum and nobody’s forcing me. Which makes it all the more ridiculous. 

So now I've identified the problem: the single biggest barrier to me living in a more fulfilling way is my freakin' computer. This means that I’m about to make a move of epic proportions - a leap that is monumental, heroic, nearly unfathomable (description slight dramatized for extra effect). Starting tomorrow, I will limit my free time on the computer to one hour per day.

To you, that still sounds like a lot. To me, it’s earth-shattering. My mind is already complaining: “What are we going to do instead?!?!” Another part of my mind is excited: “FINALLY!!!!” (This is the part of my mind that has always known the computer is a total soul-sucker.) This restriction obviously won’t include work computer time… but as soon as I’m at home, the computer will be on for one hour per day only and be turned off otherwise. It’s not going to be easy. Once the novelty of it wears off I already know I’m going to be tempted to fall back into old habits, longing for the passive easiness of wasting my nights away on facebook and youtube (sigh). However, I have a feeling this experiment is going to reveal a miraculous goldmine of time. I’m not a big TV watcher, so I’ll literally have hours when I get home to take care of things I need to do…read….play music…exercise… relax... and god knows what else.

"Boring!" "Amazing!!" "You'll never pull it off!" "We can do this!" says my mind. And yes, it often has a split personality like this. Constantly oscillating between growth and stagnation.

Well, there's only one way to find out...

xo Janine

The Awesomeness of Honesty (and cubicle-in-progress)

Pssst.

Hey, you. Yes, I mean you. Can I make one spiritual-living recommendation for you on this festive almost-the-holidays Monday? Something that has the power to instantly make you feel lighter, freer, and more like yourself?

Go tell somebody how you're feeling. Go talk about exactly what's on your mind. It can be good OR bad (both will feel awesome), although you'll probably have more motivation to do it if it's something bad/stressful/hard to deal with. That thing that's been driving you nuts all day that you've tried to avoid in a series of successive fails, only to have it reappear stronger and more nagging than ever? Whatever it is, forget about trying to pretend it's not there. Don't worry about putting on a "brave" face for people around you. Don't feel selfish for wanting to acknowledge, validate, or talk about what's affecting YOU at this moment. You think you're doing everyone else a favour by keeping it to yourself (I know, because I do it all the time), but you're actually depriving them of a lighter, freer you by trapping inside that which can easily be released with a simple conversation. Whatever it is, it's not nearly as aversive as it seems when you actually look it in the eye and acknowledge it.

So find a supportive friend, family member, whatever...someone who has a relatively open mind and a good listening ear...and just tell them how you're feeling, right now. Try not to censor it. Try not to just tell them what you think they wanna hear. This is no easy feat (particularly for those of us who are used to playing the stoic hero character in our lives.) It takes an initial wave of bravery, determination, and a degree of self-awareness, of self-realization that this could be the simple answer to all of that useless dead weight you've been lugging around with you. It's hard... but it's possible, and it gets easier and easier with practice. In order to avoid falling into the "telling people what they want to hear" trap (or if you just don't feel comfortable sharing what you're feeling at this moment), check in with yourself first. "How am I feeling right at this moment?". Try to describe it to yourself. Don't describe how you expect to be feeling, or how you think you should be feeling, or how you'd like to feel....just try to describe exactly how you do actually feel. Say it out loud, or at least say it in your head. If you've spoken the truth, you'll feel like someone just lifted a 2lb weight off your head that you didn't even know was there this whole time. It'll come right back at first. But keep practicing.  I lived and breathed this for this whole week after a couple of weeks of inner volatility, and I can't tell you how much freer I feel. So let's feel free together...whaddaya say?

xo Janine

PS. I end with these updated photos of my cubicle-reno-in-progress...still needs some work, but I arrive at my desk in a way better mood than I did when I had a wall of pure grey/beige scenery staring back at me.

Zen habits

"Smile, breathe, and go slowly" - Thich Nhat Hanh

I've quickly discovered that timing this phase of the blog with the start of a new job was an, uh, interesting decision. (It can really be looked at one of two ways: it's either really badly timed, since I'm trying to find time, strategies and methods for incorporating more spirit-focused activities into my life at the same time that I'm also trying to adapt to a million other things....OR it's perfectly timed, since I need to connect with that creative, relaxing, stress-relieving spiritual way of life now more than ever.) It's definitely a greater challenge, but it's also teaching me really fast about how to be realistic. This is probably a good thing, since the rest of my life for the next 30 years will probably look more like this current schedule than the one where I woke up 7 days a week with nothing to do but, well, blog. And I am already feeling the effects of the full-time schedule, so it's probably good to get into the habit of being proactive about spiritual wellness needs now, so it becomes a natural part of my work-life balance, right? 

I just have to be creative about this. I look for inspiration from those many people around me who have successfully integrated a work and spirit-lifting lifestyle together and lead an awesome life as a result of it. I think about where to start. I remember this website I came across once, called "Zen Habits". It has some awesome articles, tips and personal advice about how to live a "zen" life amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life...written by a guy who's really successfully done it. I start browsing around...and then I come across this poem, called "a brief guide to life":

less TV, more reading
less shopping, more outdoors
less clutter, more space
less rush, more slowness
less consuming, more creating
less junk, more real food
less busywork, more impact
less driving, more walking
less noise, more solitude
less focus on the future, more on the present
less work, more play
less worry, more smiles
breathe

Influx of instant peace. I swear, I read that and it's like it resounds with some wise, deeper part of me (it's in there somewhere!) that already knows that's really all there is to it. I can catch a glimpse just by thinking about it of how living by that philosophy would result in incredible inner strength, peace, and clarity. Of course, it's easier said than done. It's simple, yet that stubborn negative mind remains determined as ever to make simple things appear incredibly complex and not doable. Hmmm. As I read it again, an interesting idea hits me: this poem could become a measure of my progress on this journey. How am I doing in all of these areas? I can return to it, allow it to remind me where my head should be at, and where I could improve. YES. Okay! First I'll need to do a (painfully honest) evaluation of where I'm at currently with all of these so I know where I'm starting from. Here it goes...

less TV, more reading - Uhhh...well I've never been one to watch too much TV, but I spend WAY more than enough time on facebook to make up for it. Reading definitely takes a backseat (...unless reading status updates counts?)
less shopping, more outdoors - This is more challenging in the winter and especially impossible before Christmas. Generally, I am pulled towards both...but shopping honestly probably gets more dedicated time than nature at the end of the day.
less clutter, more space - My bedroom is epically cluttered at the moment. Somewhere between hurricane and cyclone level disaster. My desk at work, by contrast, is still nice and clean with lots of open space, and now that I think about it, the impact it has on my mood is palpable. Interesting.
less rush, more slowness - Hmmm. I wouldn't give myself a failing grade here, although certain things definitely get rushed through...like eating and getting to and from places, which come to mind immediately.
less consuming, more creating - This balance is probably hugely out of whack. I don't consume maybe as much as I could, not in terms of material things per say, but a lot still goes to luxury coffee/eating/entertainment stuff. And as for creating, that has especially recently gone by the wayside as I've been less involved in music than usual. Feel disconnected from my creative side. This needs remedying.
less junk, more real food - Ummmm...see past 3-month blog. :-p
less busywork, more impact - Hmmm. This is hard to evaluate too, although i must come back to the facebook point and say that my frequent online profile exploring probably does not exactly count as impactful activity.
less driving, more walking - This isn't too bad for me... I've always loved to walk. But I could always do better, like taking the stairs at work, for example....and also enjoying the walking itself rather than blaring ipod music the whole way.
less noise, more solitude - Uhhh...ditto what i just said about the ipod :-p Definitely too much noise in my life.
less focus on the future, more on the present - I have spent some time in the past studying and practicing mindfulness and the accompanying meditation, which is all centered around this idea. It's powerful stuff, honestly, when put into practice. Also probably the most difficult one of all of them to do consistently, but arguably the most important...drop the need for psychological past and future, and the rest takes care of itself. (That's a whole other blog entry though! :-)
less work, more play - Hmmm. This balance has been turned totally upside down in the past 2 weeks...gone from too much play to too much work! Need to find a balance here. Will have to incorporate "play" into the workday...
less worry, more smiles - Aha. Contingent on all the others, perhaps? I would tend to think :-)
breathe - Yep, that's happening. (Kidding). All related to mindfulness too. Becoming mindful of the breathe equals becoming mindful of the present moment equals removing all attachment to worrying or problems or stress, which are dependent on past and future to exist. Cool stuff.

Love it. This gets me excited. You better believe my next step will be to write out this lovely poem on my work whiteboard, and reflect on how I'm going to transform these philosophies into small but meaningful changes in my life. We'll save that for next time!

xo Janine