Looking Back at 2011

Amazed.

If I had one word to describe how I feel about my 2011, that would be it.

Amazed, because I remember standing in front of my mirror on January 1, 2011, and for some reason that I didn't understand at the time, promising myself that 2011 was going to be one of the best years I'd ever had.

Amazed, because it seemed highly unlikely to me at the time - and yet it turned out to be true.

Yes, there is a backstory to this. It is a story that I am preparing to tell, once I've gathered the right words, the right courage, the right perspective to do so.

For now, let's just celebrate the year. A lot of good happened around the world, despite the fact that most of what comes to mind are sad stories. That's the fault of the media, not an accurate representation of the real balance between good and bad. So tonight, raise a glass. No, your 2011 wasn't perfect. But you did something right, because here you are. You made it through whatever happened.

I wish you all the best things in 2012. And I hope the year comes when you look back and feel incredibly grateful, joyful and amazed that it turned out the way it did.

xo Janine

My first big move

Hmmm. Well admittedly, this section of the blog has been slower to take off than the last. I blame this slow adjustment period on a few things. First of all, starting a new job has distracted me more than I thought it would. Secondly, the holiday season happened to coincide with said first point… where free time becomes a hot commodity to be thinly spread between gift-buying-and-wrapping, house-preparing, loved-one-visiting, and everything in between. 

But actually, I know these are excuses. When it comes right down to it, I should have plenty of free time left over to spend on this project. It’s not like I work 14 hours a day, or spend morning until night decking the halls with boughs of holly. It’s simple math. There IS extra time to be found in there, and lots of it. So where on earth does it go? Good question. Sometimes it’s like you lie in bed in the morning, blink your eyes a few times, and before you know it, you’re back in bed again. What happens in between is kind of a blur, and when you try to look back on it, all you can actually remember is a few moments – the highlights, sort of like a sports reel.

 

However, over the past couple of weeks, I have become increasingly aware of one thing that seems to monopolize more of my time than quite possibly sleeping, eating, and walking combined. No, it’s not spending time with family or friends, or work, or chores, or anything useful like that…shamefully, it’s my computer. It’s like I’m married to it. It’s the first thing I go to when I wake up.  It’s the last thing I interact with before I go to bed. And now that I’m spending my whole day at work on the computer (for now), the amount of time I spend in the evening on the computer has become increasingly more noticeable, and more repugnant. I feel like one of those boat slaves from ancient times who mindlessly rowed to the beat of a drum from morning until night… except there’s no drum and nobody’s forcing me. Which makes it all the more ridiculous. 

So now I've identified the problem: the single biggest barrier to me living in a more fulfilling way is my freakin' computer. This means that I’m about to make a move of epic proportions - a leap that is monumental, heroic, nearly unfathomable (description slight dramatized for extra effect). Starting tomorrow, I will limit my free time on the computer to one hour per day.

To you, that still sounds like a lot. To me, it’s earth-shattering. My mind is already complaining: “What are we going to do instead?!?!” Another part of my mind is excited: “FINALLY!!!!” (This is the part of my mind that has always known the computer is a total soul-sucker.) This restriction obviously won’t include work computer time… but as soon as I’m at home, the computer will be on for one hour per day only and be turned off otherwise. It’s not going to be easy. Once the novelty of it wears off I already know I’m going to be tempted to fall back into old habits, longing for the passive easiness of wasting my nights away on facebook and youtube (sigh). However, I have a feeling this experiment is going to reveal a miraculous goldmine of time. I’m not a big TV watcher, so I’ll literally have hours when I get home to take care of things I need to do…read….play music…exercise… relax... and god knows what else.

"Boring!" "Amazing!!" "You'll never pull it off!" "We can do this!" says my mind. And yes, it often has a split personality like this. Constantly oscillating between growth and stagnation.

Well, there's only one way to find out...

xo Janine

The Awesomeness of Honesty (and cubicle-in-progress)

Pssst.

Hey, you. Yes, I mean you. Can I make one spiritual-living recommendation for you on this festive almost-the-holidays Monday? Something that has the power to instantly make you feel lighter, freer, and more like yourself?

Go tell somebody how you're feeling. Go talk about exactly what's on your mind. It can be good OR bad (both will feel awesome), although you'll probably have more motivation to do it if it's something bad/stressful/hard to deal with. That thing that's been driving you nuts all day that you've tried to avoid in a series of successive fails, only to have it reappear stronger and more nagging than ever? Whatever it is, forget about trying to pretend it's not there. Don't worry about putting on a "brave" face for people around you. Don't feel selfish for wanting to acknowledge, validate, or talk about what's affecting YOU at this moment. You think you're doing everyone else a favour by keeping it to yourself (I know, because I do it all the time), but you're actually depriving them of a lighter, freer you by trapping inside that which can easily be released with a simple conversation. Whatever it is, it's not nearly as aversive as it seems when you actually look it in the eye and acknowledge it.

So find a supportive friend, family member, whatever...someone who has a relatively open mind and a good listening ear...and just tell them how you're feeling, right now. Try not to censor it. Try not to just tell them what you think they wanna hear. This is no easy feat (particularly for those of us who are used to playing the stoic hero character in our lives.) It takes an initial wave of bravery, determination, and a degree of self-awareness, of self-realization that this could be the simple answer to all of that useless dead weight you've been lugging around with you. It's hard... but it's possible, and it gets easier and easier with practice. In order to avoid falling into the "telling people what they want to hear" trap (or if you just don't feel comfortable sharing what you're feeling at this moment), check in with yourself first. "How am I feeling right at this moment?". Try to describe it to yourself. Don't describe how you expect to be feeling, or how you think you should be feeling, or how you'd like to feel....just try to describe exactly how you do actually feel. Say it out loud, or at least say it in your head. If you've spoken the truth, you'll feel like someone just lifted a 2lb weight off your head that you didn't even know was there this whole time. It'll come right back at first. But keep practicing.  I lived and breathed this for this whole week after a couple of weeks of inner volatility, and I can't tell you how much freer I feel. So let's feel free together...whaddaya say?

xo Janine

PS. I end with these updated photos of my cubicle-reno-in-progress...still needs some work, but I arrive at my desk in a way better mood than I did when I had a wall of pure grey/beige scenery staring back at me.

Zen habits

"Smile, breathe, and go slowly" - Thich Nhat Hanh

I've quickly discovered that timing this phase of the blog with the start of a new job was an, uh, interesting decision. (It can really be looked at one of two ways: it's either really badly timed, since I'm trying to find time, strategies and methods for incorporating more spirit-focused activities into my life at the same time that I'm also trying to adapt to a million other things....OR it's perfectly timed, since I need to connect with that creative, relaxing, stress-relieving spiritual way of life now more than ever.) It's definitely a greater challenge, but it's also teaching me really fast about how to be realistic. This is probably a good thing, since the rest of my life for the next 30 years will probably look more like this current schedule than the one where I woke up 7 days a week with nothing to do but, well, blog. And I am already feeling the effects of the full-time schedule, so it's probably good to get into the habit of being proactive about spiritual wellness needs now, so it becomes a natural part of my work-life balance, right? 

I just have to be creative about this. I look for inspiration from those many people around me who have successfully integrated a work and spirit-lifting lifestyle together and lead an awesome life as a result of it. I think about where to start. I remember this website I came across once, called "Zen Habits". It has some awesome articles, tips and personal advice about how to live a "zen" life amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life...written by a guy who's really successfully done it. I start browsing around...and then I come across this poem, called "a brief guide to life":

less TV, more reading
less shopping, more outdoors
less clutter, more space
less rush, more slowness
less consuming, more creating
less junk, more real food
less busywork, more impact
less driving, more walking
less noise, more solitude
less focus on the future, more on the present
less work, more play
less worry, more smiles
breathe

Influx of instant peace. I swear, I read that and it's like it resounds with some wise, deeper part of me (it's in there somewhere!) that already knows that's really all there is to it. I can catch a glimpse just by thinking about it of how living by that philosophy would result in incredible inner strength, peace, and clarity. Of course, it's easier said than done. It's simple, yet that stubborn negative mind remains determined as ever to make simple things appear incredibly complex and not doable. Hmmm. As I read it again, an interesting idea hits me: this poem could become a measure of my progress on this journey. How am I doing in all of these areas? I can return to it, allow it to remind me where my head should be at, and where I could improve. YES. Okay! First I'll need to do a (painfully honest) evaluation of where I'm at currently with all of these so I know where I'm starting from. Here it goes...

less TV, more reading - Uhhh...well I've never been one to watch too much TV, but I spend WAY more than enough time on facebook to make up for it. Reading definitely takes a backseat (...unless reading status updates counts?)
less shopping, more outdoors - This is more challenging in the winter and especially impossible before Christmas. Generally, I am pulled towards both...but shopping honestly probably gets more dedicated time than nature at the end of the day.
less clutter, more space - My bedroom is epically cluttered at the moment. Somewhere between hurricane and cyclone level disaster. My desk at work, by contrast, is still nice and clean with lots of open space, and now that I think about it, the impact it has on my mood is palpable. Interesting.
less rush, more slowness - Hmmm. I wouldn't give myself a failing grade here, although certain things definitely get rushed through...like eating and getting to and from places, which come to mind immediately.
less consuming, more creating - This balance is probably hugely out of whack. I don't consume maybe as much as I could, not in terms of material things per say, but a lot still goes to luxury coffee/eating/entertainment stuff. And as for creating, that has especially recently gone by the wayside as I've been less involved in music than usual. Feel disconnected from my creative side. This needs remedying.
less junk, more real food - Ummmm...see past 3-month blog. :-p
less busywork, more impact - Hmmm. This is hard to evaluate too, although i must come back to the facebook point and say that my frequent online profile exploring probably does not exactly count as impactful activity.
less driving, more walking - This isn't too bad for me... I've always loved to walk. But I could always do better, like taking the stairs at work, for example....and also enjoying the walking itself rather than blaring ipod music the whole way.
less noise, more solitude - Uhhh...ditto what i just said about the ipod :-p Definitely too much noise in my life.
less focus on the future, more on the present - I have spent some time in the past studying and practicing mindfulness and the accompanying meditation, which is all centered around this idea. It's powerful stuff, honestly, when put into practice. Also probably the most difficult one of all of them to do consistently, but arguably the most important...drop the need for psychological past and future, and the rest takes care of itself. (That's a whole other blog entry though! :-)
less work, more play - Hmmm. This balance has been turned totally upside down in the past 2 weeks...gone from too much play to too much work! Need to find a balance here. Will have to incorporate "play" into the workday...
less worry, more smiles - Aha. Contingent on all the others, perhaps? I would tend to think :-)
breathe - Yep, that's happening. (Kidding). All related to mindfulness too. Becoming mindful of the breathe equals becoming mindful of the present moment equals removing all attachment to worrying or problems or stress, which are dependent on past and future to exist. Cool stuff.

Love it. This gets me excited. You better believe my next step will be to write out this lovely poem on my work whiteboard, and reflect on how I'm going to transform these philosophies into small but meaningful changes in my life. We'll save that for next time!

xo Janine

Day 1: My "positive" cubicle... and the Democratic Republic of Congo

So it's day 1 of my Living Spiritually blog…and I can't fathom a better way to start it than to (like a proud parent) introduce my new sponsor child, Abigael, whose info just arrived in the mail last night (...now that’s what I call good timing…)

Abigael is just turning 8, and lives in the Democratic Republic of Congo with her father, a subsistence farmer (farms just to provide food for his family), and her mother. Not sure if she has any siblings yet… I hope to find out when we start writing to each other! I plan to keep this child close to my heart always, as a poignant reminder that a. there are gross, ridiculous imbalances in the world, b. we in the western world are the ones who benefit from those gross imbalances, and c. as people fortunate enough to have access to way more of everything than we need to survive, it’s our responsibility to share the disposable income that we have, so that others can have enough to live. All it takes is a monthly cheque worth as much as I spend on coffee in a month! That’s putting things into perspective. It’s mind-boggling. I sit at my office desk for a day and probably make more money than this family makes in an entire year doing 100 times the amount of work. Oh, Abigael. My goal, lofty though it may be, is to inspire hope in her with words at least as much as I’m able to with money. Her favourite subject is reading and lord knows I love to write, so we make a good pair :-)
 

So that's the Democratic Republic of Congo part....now, about the cubicle. As soon as I first laid eyes on this area (see left), I knew I had to make it my mission to turn the grey and beige party into somewhere I could actually fathom spending 8 hours of everyday, before it sucked the life right out of me. The more I thought about it, the more I got excited at the prospect of turning this cubicle into a positive space that I felt comfortable in...that had an inspiring feel to it. Timing wise, again, this all aligned perfectly with the start of this new phase of my blog. (It's fate!) So after googling creative cubicle spaces for inspiration, Raph and I went cubicle decor shopping to pick up a few little things... a colourful lamp, a picture matrix frame, a hangable whiteboard, a plant (fail on that last one so far... going to Walmart to buy plants is evidently like going to McDonald's to buy a salad). I printed out some pictures of my peeps, and put them in the frame...seemed game-ready to go... but then I also thought I'd try printing out a few extra pictures of things that typically tend to put me in the right frame of mind (eg. cool artwork, pictures of inspiring people, some graphic representations of my fave quotes) and pinning those up, too. Worth a go... and hey, I figured if it looked too over the top when I got there, I could just take them right on down and try something else until I found the right "balance".

So I brought everything in yesterday, and set it all up....and I cannot tell you how instantly more at ease I felt. The effect on my mood, creativity and productivity was surprising even to me. OT peers are going to cringe at this one, but seriously, this cubicle decor induced me in instant flow. I settled into what proved to be a very productive and pain-free morning. At some point, I glanced over at my whiteboard and felt the urge to sprawl a big inspirational quote on there ( I was kind of on a roll.) And then I thought hey...I could try doing this every morning! I'll consider this to be my first real "spiritual living" experiment... I predict the process of discovering a new awesome quote, writing it out on my whiteboard first thing in the morning, and then looking up at it throughout the day will feed my creative process tremendously. So, I proceeded to write out a quote from the Dalai Lama that I had just found the day before: "The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your action will be". I stepped back to look at it. I had a moment of self-doubt. "Maybe this is too much..." I thought, finding myself struck with the ego-serving desire to want to make a good first impression on people and "fit in". But then I realized that's where that thought was coming from, and decided to leave it up anyway. By the end of the day, I was really happy with that decision, because a. I had ignored that little voice inside the head that's wrong 99% of the time, and b. the quote gave me renewed positive energy all day.

Incredibly, that positive energy I decided to put out there took less than 24 hours for it to come back to me. This morning, I arrived at work and sat down at my desk. I'd had a pretty lonely day the day before, devoid of human contact, since my boss is the only person I know yet and is away, I haven't been introduced to many other people, and my cubicle is not really in a well-trafficked area. Almost immediately, someone I'd never met walked by and exclaimed "so YOU'RE the person that works here!" I looked over, mildly caught off guard..."Yep, that's me!" I replied, waiting to get a sense of what she was looking for. "I walked by your cubicle yesterday and I just love all the stuff you have going on here...love this quote...that lamp is AWESOME...so I just had to come by today to see who this bubbly positive person is that's moved in!" I smiled. We chatted briefly. She took the time to let me know that most people in the office like to hang up their coats (as she noticed mine draped on my chair), and voluntarily showed me where the coatrack was before moving on with her day.

And that, my friends, is karma.

xo Janine

PS: I'll try to post a picture or two of the new and improved cubicle as soon as I can get my blackberry phone camera to start working again...oh, technology.

IT'S OOOOVER: Healthy Living wrap-up, and introducing *drumroll* the next 3-month project!

Well my friends... it's incredibly hard to believe, but the "living healthy" phase of my project will be over in exactly 2 days. "Time flies" is an understatement...I can't believe it's been three months since I started calorie counting, muscle gaining, portion measuring and all that fun stuff that I've (tried to) immerse myself in since September 6, 2011. As it reaches it's natural end, I can't help but do a bit of reflecting on the whole thing and marvel at the journey... while at the same time, start looking ahead and getting excited about the next three-month phase, which may be the MOST meaningful and inspiring one for me. But first, a few thoughts on the healthiness experiment...

I'm sure I could write an entire book of things that have struck me over the past three months, but I'll limit myself to the things that continue to stick with me now, as I'm sitting here looking back on it. First of all, I'll state the obvious: it ain't easy. With the vigour and intense motivation that pushed me over the first few weeks of the project, I was thrilled to spend hours of every day cooking, researching new recipes, counting nutrients, researching exercise programs, hitting the gym ....but as life happens, and the "honeymoon phase" ends, it becomes incredibly challenging to keep it up. When you have the time to make it your life's focus, it's doable. But when you have to try to fit it into a life that already has it's own momentum, it's own routines and habits embedded within it...well, that's the hard part.

However...I also learned that it's not impossible. Not for ANYONE. I was the least likely candidate to do this, honestly. As someone who three short months ago considered eating a Big Mac meal at McDonalds to be a dietary success (as in "hooray, I actually ate today!"), the fact that I'm now able to know what amounts of nutrients I should be intaking every day, plan balanced healthy meals, grocery shop accordingly, and actually cook things for myself...not to mention that I also joined a gym, planned out a cardio and strength training regimen and actually followed it 3-4 times per week... is darn-well proof enough for anyone who wants to do this that yes, it IS possible. From the words of a wise man, don't let them tell you it can't be done.... look up that mountain, and just start climbing. It's the only way to get to the top!

Here are my top 10 favourite lessons I learned along the way (in no particular order):

My new perma-diet. Beautiful, isn't she?

1. While exhausting, focusing on health and fitness is also incredibly self-rewarding. It carries a positive momentum with it that gives you a newfound sense of self-respect...almost like you're finally giving yourself the attention you deserve, but were deprived of for so many years.
   
2. Fat-free greek yogurt is THE tastiest healthy thing around and works incredibly well in things you would never think possible (eg. tuna sandwich? forget the mayo....go with greek yogurt!)  I beg you, incorporate greek yogurt into your diet if you haven't already! And hey, add fruit, vanilla extract and/or honey if you need some extra flavour.
3. Each choice you make in a day regarding your health counts. It's easy to get lost in the momentum of one bad choice and let it throw you off your game (ie. shit, I didn't go to the gym today... I failed for this week...not gonna bother trying the rest of the week). But to actually overcome that thinking pattern, forgive your past failures, and say to yourself "all right, so I didn't go yesterday...it doesn't matter. Today is a new day." That might be the most important key to success with this whole thing.
4. Making a soup from scratch is really, realllllly hard. Making a butternut squash soup from scratch is (very nearly) impossible.
5. Cutting vegetables? Invest in a good knife, and you will save yourself hours of heartache, pain and frustration (all right, slight overstatement...but it's DEFINITELY worth it!
6. Getting caught up in making exercise an exact science is not necessarily the way to go about it. Absolutely, being informed is a good idea...but also finding enjoyable activities that allow you to get exercise in a natural way is far more sustainable than lifting barbells 3x/week for the rest of your life (thank you Kristina for this lesson, which you aren't even aware you imparted to me, but totally struck a chord when you pointed out that you got fit from doing what you love: rock climbing)
7. Along similar lines...if at all possible, join a gym that takes less than half an hour to get to, join with (or find) a gym buddy, and always go in with a plan. Makes things SOOOOO much easier!
8. Eating healthy at home is pretty expensive. Eating healthy at restaurants is a surefire way to make your entire life savings disappear before your eyes...
9. I can't believe it, but it's true: defying all odds, common sense and natural cringe reactions...spinach IS drinkable (when accompanied by banana, milk, cocoa, honey and ice and blended to perfection)
10. Telling everybody around you about your healthy eating and/or exercise plans is incredibly helpful. Having practically every single person in my life know about this and hold me accountable to it most definitely made it a lot easier to stick to it...as everyone continually asked me how it was all going, it was like getting constant reminders and validations that made me want to keep it up.

And there you have it, my friends. My goal is to (sometime soon) add a "Living Healthy" section to the blog, where I'll post my favourite recipes, workout tips, websites, etc. that people can use if they like to jumpstart their own efforts. However...it's now time for me to transition into the next phase of the quarter-life crisis project, which is the one I'm incredibly excited about. I've had to reflect on it, tweak it, and morph it quite a bit over the past few weeks in order to hit the spot that I really wanted to hit, but I can now share with y'all that for the next 3 months, I will be dedicating myself to…. "Living Spiritually".

 

Now, I know the word "spiritual" conjures up a lot of connotations with religion, but that's not what I mean here (not exactly, anyway). For me, spiritual living is not about following rules, blindly imitating spiritual leaders, or even believing in anything in particular...but rather is about actually living in a way that aligns with, nourishes, and deepens the spirit, leaving a person feeling freer, less affected by society's stressors, and more attuned to life itself.

As I sit here contemplating what the next 3 months will look like, I’m feeling pretty darn excited, albeit with a hint of self-doubt. Living spiritually to me is synonymous with living selflessly… and lord knows it ain’t easy. Not to do it genuinely, anyway. Let’s face it: every night I (and I’m sure I’m not alone) go to bed with the purest intentions to make the next day full of love, peace, freedom and happiness…and then the “self” somehow gets in the way, with all of its self-ish motives, leaving us feeling angry, bored, jealous, lonely, insecure, lazy..and on..and on. It’s a conundrum we all face. I think it was Ghandi who said "The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems." Amen, brother. Yet I'm an incurable optimist who knows, beyond believing, that the human spirit has boundless depth and is capable of infinite generosity, gratitude, positivity, creativity and love. We just have to nurture it. Connect to it. Cultivate it. Release it. There are millions of ways of doing it, and my mission over the next 3 months will be to try the ones that people have reported have led them to freedom. Giving time and money to others. Meditating. Keeping a gratitude journal. These are just a few of the preliminary ideas I have…I look forward to developing them more, and more importantly, to putting them into practice.

As for religion, well, I consider myself trans-religious (they all point to the same truth!), so I’ll be pulling from a wide variety of spiritual and religious teachings to help inspire and guide me. Buddha? Jesus? Dalai Lama? All my homeboys. Word.

And there you have it, peeps. Allow me to just say a huge THANK YOU for all of your support, kind words and inspiration during the first three months…and I hope you’ll stay with me for the next three, as this crazy journey continues!

xo Janine